30 days asexual meme - part 3

7) Who’s your favorite Doctor? Or do you have a favorite asexual character?

I don’t watch Doctor Who because I know I’d get addicted to it, and to be honest I waste too much time on the Sherlock fandom as it is, so yeah. I’ve drawn a line in the sand, and Doctor Who is on the other side of that line and therefore forbidden to me. So my favorite asexual character? Sherlock Holmes, duh. I loved him from the first time I read him at the age of eleven. I didn’t really start seriously thinking about Holmes as being asexual until contemporary BBC Sherlock came out. And then people started throwing around the word “asexual” to describe him and I got kind of giddy. We have a well-rounded character who doesn’t need sex to survive and prosper! Weeeee! I know some people have said “I don’t like the fact that his asexuality is linked to his being so screwed up and damaged and unable to love,” etc., etc., and yeah, I can understand and respect that viewpoint. But personally I think his asexuality is a totally separate issue, that he’d still be messed up if he was gay or straight. Let me put it this way: I don’t think the writers meant for his asexuality to be perceived as the cause of his (supposed) heartlessness, and any viewer who thinks so hasn’t delved deep enough into the character. I think his brilliance and his uniqueness and his independence, and very possibly his dysfunctional upbringing, are much bigger contributors to that than his asexuality (or demisexuality). I suppose people are still going to say “but it’s the principal of the thing, I’m just tired of seeing asexuals portrayed as screwed up!” But in this show, I don’t know what Moftiss could have done much differently; they had to stick somewhat close to Doyle’s original. They’re not writing an asexual character; they’re writing Doyle’s character, who incidentally happens to be asexual. For me, all the worry about the principal of the thing goes out the window when I see a well-rounded non-dorky asexual. I’m just so happy to see one. And I’m sure that eventually someday in some show we’ll get a portrayal of a character who can love freely and who treasures human connection, who is asexual, too.

8) Do you believe there should be asexual pride?

Let me say this: I believe there should be a total lack of asexual shame. We are not damaged. We are not immature. We are not missing out. The thought we put into discovering our sexuality should not be dismissed or belittled. Ever. But I get uncomfortable with the word pride. It insinuates that one sexuality is better than another. And that obviously isn’t true.

9) What does being asexual mean to you?

Geez, this is an open-ended question. Umm…. For me one thing in particular sticks out: it means having to uncover new societal scaffolding to build certain kinds of relationships on, because if I show an interest in another person’s personality or soul (ESPECIALLY if it’s someone of the opposite gender), I’m painfully aware that s/he’s going to assume I’m interested in him/her sexually and just….argh, no no NO. At the same time, you don’t want to come out too early, say a couple of weeks into the relationship, and say “hey, it might seem like I’m crushing on you, but actually I’m asexual and have no desire to ever have sex with you! just so we’re clear on that!” I’ve never tried that tack, but I can only assume it would be met with this expression: O_O So anyway, being asexual means treading in new relationship territory and striking out on our own paths. Most people have scripts to follow in their romantic relationships: they see someone they find attractive, they develop a crush, they read their prospective mate’s social cues to see if they’re interested in them, they flirt, they go out on a date. All of this preliminary stuff is laid rather neatly out for them, even if it gets more complicated later on. But romantic asexuals don’t have a script like that. We’re on our own. When do we bring up our sexuality? Do we hint at it first (“I consider myself married to my work”)? Do we need to constantly monitor ourselves to make sure we’re not flirting, or is some flirting okay? Do we just assume that all sexuals won’t be interested in us because we’re not interested in them sexually? There are lots of questions, and it’s very confusing. As if the subject of human relationships wasn’t complicated enough!